Dear Joyce and Ying,
At this time, my thoughts are mostly with Hansheng, Naiqi and Dianne.
I do remember my anger when Jean passed away. Although it wasn't
clear to me to whom I was angry at, I got frustrated on top of my anger
because I didn't know who made me angry. So God took my anger as He is
my God, my Father in Heaven. Since He is in control, He took my anger.
I later realized that anger is part of the grieving process. We
get frustrated when things get out of order. To me, Zhiqiang's death is
like winter coming after spring. It's supposed to be summer when
spring is over, but here we get winter instead. So our frustration and
anger.
We may not recognize it, but we are likely all in a grieving
process. Grieving for the loss of our brother, our friend, our
beloved. When we feel something is taken away from us, we feel hurt.
For this reason, we need to pray for Hansheng, Naiqi and Dianne.
I also realized that it's ok to be angry at God. To be angry at
someone doesn't mean we lost our love for the person. Actually, anger
and love are tied to each other more than we may have realized. If we
didn't have love for another person, we probably wouldn't get angry at
the person easily. I think this may be one reason it hurts so much in a
broken marriage, because it started with love. It's lot easier to stay
at a distance and be indifferent, so that we don't get hurt. To love
is to take risk, as we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, to get
hurt, to get angry. It takes courage to love. I often found myself
speechless when I think of the love of Jesus - the amount of courage in
His love for us. It simply humbles me.
Maybe this is why in Revelation 3:15-16, Jesus said "I know your
deeds, that you are neither cold or hot. I wish you were either one or
the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am
about to spit you out of my mouth." I guess Jesus was disappointed when
He couldn't detect either love or anger in us.
Joyce and Ying, I could see courage in both of you - the courage to
love. For that, I'm all thankful to God. But for now, my thoughts are
mostly with Hansheng, Naiqi and Dianne.
Barry,
回复删除Thank you very much for spending time on navigating me. I appreciate a lot you're helping Hansheng, Naiqi and Dianne.
I wish I could, but I am short of the capability.
Hansheng is a strong Christian, as you are. I've admired her for quite a long time on her optimism, patience and peace of heart.
I truly believe no trial will defeat her, not even this loss. To Christians, there is no death, it's a begin of new life in heaven.
To me, I attempted to convince myself that -- It is not the years in our life but the life in our years that counts. Zhiqiang did live his life in the fullest and inspire so many of us to grow richer, happier and higher.
May peace be with all of us!
Joyce